Every Friday night, I come home from shul, I sing Shalom Alechim, I chant Eishet Chayil, and just before I am about to make Kiddush, I walk over to children (some of whom used to try and run away) and I give them this bracha. I pray to Hashem that H”KBH should make my Yosef like the Ephraim U’Menashe of old.
What is so unique about Ephraim and Menashe? Hashem blesses Avraham, Yitzchak blesses Yaakov and many other brachot are given to many other personalities, but for time immemorial we bless our children to be like Ephraim and Menashe.
Parshat Vayechi presents us with the ability to look back and reflect upon really the entire Sefer Bereishit and consider what lessons we should be taking away with us and in so doing, I would like to suggest three answers to this question.
- Answer #1: Ephraim and Menashe separate themselves out from all other sibling relationships in the Torah by what they don’t do – and that is fight!
Yaacov flips his hands (Sikel et Yaadov), he puts the younger before the older and:
- Unlike Kayin and Hevel
- Unlike Shem and Cham
- Unlike Avraham and Lot (who act in many ways like brothers)
- Unlike Yitzchak and Yishmael
- Unlike Yaakov and Eisav
- Unlike Yosef and his brothers
Ephraim and Menashe do not fight, compete or battle. Ephraim and Menashe accept Yaacov’s blessings and the gifts of their grandfather in total and complete harmony. We therefore bless our children – yesimcha Elokim k’Efraim uk’Menashe, because the peace and love between Ephraim and Menashe is exactly what I pray for.
Ephraim and Menashe understood first-hand what sibling rivalry leads to. They understood how fighting can destroy a family and break a family apart. They were the product of that rivalry. They grew up in Mitzrayim separated from their aunts, uncles and cousins because of that competition. Ephraim and Menashe understood in a way that no other sibling combination could have ever truly appreciated, just what happens when families don’t get along. We bless our children with the hope and prayer for the true and real shalom bayit that Ephraim and Menashe enjoyed.
- Answer #2: Ephraim and Menashe are raised in Mitzrayim, they grew up in a secular society of an idol worshiping polytheistic culture, yet they remained committed to the practices and traditions of their grandfather.
We need to provide our kids with positive religious role models and ensure that their friends and teachers promote Torah and Mitzvoth. Nothing is guaranteed and we pray that just as Ephraim and Menashe succeeded- so too shall our children.
- Answer #3: The Torah tells us very little, virtually nothing about Ephraim and Menashe, but I believe an important key in understanding why we use them in our bracha is rooted in the depth of their roles.
In Parshat Miketz, when the brothers first come down to Mitzrayim and the story just gets going, the Torah tells us that the brothers who were speaking Hebrew in front of Yosef didn’t think Yosef understood them: Ki HaMelitz Beinotam – there was a translator between them.
Who was this Meilitz that was serving as the translator? Rashi tells us that this was Menashe. Menashe was 2nd in command to Yosef, Yosef’s right hand man not only serving as his translator but likely as his closest advisor, confidant and protégé.
Who was Ephraim? Fast forward to the beginning of this week’s Parsha and we are told that a messenger comes to Yosef: VaYomer L’Yosef – Hinei Avicha Choleh. How did Yosef find out? Who was this messenger? Rashi again fills in the gaps and tells us that: Ephraim haya ragil lifnei Yaacov b’Talmud – Ephraim used to sit with his grandfather and learn Torah and when Yaacov got sick, Ephraim was able to get up and report to his father. Ephraim was a scholar, a Talmid Chacham, who used his time to sit and learn and especially cherished the time he had with his grandfather.
We pray that our children will be trained and develop successfully the traits of both Ephraim and Menashe. They will be Torah scholars who are also successful in all areas of life.
With that backdrop and that understanding perhaps we can use these messages to teach us a bit about parenting and the challenges that we all face on an on-going basis.
One of the earliest references to this custom to bless our children comes from Rabbi Aharon Berachia ben Moshe of Modina, an Italian Kabbalist, a composer of prayers and mystical writings. He lived in the 17th century and he suggested something quite unique. He said that these blessings will be fulfilled not only for the child being blessed, but for the parent doing the blessing as well. He doesn’t really say what this means, but perhaps we could suggest the following:
R. Yaakov Tzvi Mecklenburg, a 19th century German commentator on the siddur, noted that during the week parents can at times (unfortunately) curse their children because of the strife that can occur between them. The blessing on Friday night is a way for parents and children to reconnect.
This was similarly said by American former Vice-Presidential nominee, Senator Joe Lieberman in a recent book he published called The Gift of Rest (pg. 56), where he writes about his Shabbat experiences in the White House:
“Of all the things that observant Jews do on the Sabbath …I would put blessing your family high on the list. It is a priceless moment of connection that no matter what has happened during the week, the parent feels blessed to have that child… As a parent you know that weeks can go by when you think of your children less as blessings and more as problems to be solved… Stopping to bless your children once a week makes us pause to appreciate how blessed we are to have them in the first place and reminds them of the love we feel for them.”
Think about it for a moment, at a time when our lives are so hurried, when communication can be so cursory, asking your child to spend a moment with you together in quiet, wherein the child knows that you are providing him or her with a heartfelt blessing. This can truly be a powerful tool in parent-child bonding regardless and irrespective of what may have transpired during the previous week.
This can be especially valuable with teenagers.
As noted psychologist and parent educator, Wendy Mogul points out:
“My favorite part” (she writes), “of Shabbat with teens is the traditional blessing of the children… The thirty seconds it takes to say the blessing are intimate, tender, and wildly unlike everyday teen-parent interactions. I’ve never seen a teen resist it. The prayer is beautiful, and particularly touching when said over a teen who is in an undivine state of development…” (Blessing of B Minus, p. 120)
There is a standard form of this bracha, as most of you know, but there is no reason that one cannot improvise and add one’s own blessing either as a weekly standard or a special prayer made to fit the circumstance of the week. Bottom line, each child gets his or her private moment with a parent – or even both parents.
Each child gets a personalized prayer, a hope, an apology perhaps, or maybe an expression of love whispered in their ear, intimately shared as if there were no one else present.
Each child receives a unique kiss in their own way. Those thirty second moments, added up over years of Shabbatot, result in an experience and a bond that many children look back upon fondly.
That experience ties children to their parents and to Shabbat in ways that are profoundly moving. In turn, those moments leave an impact not only on the child but on the parent as well, providing one with perspective on the week and on one’s child.
Perhaps that was what Rabbi Aharon of Modina was referring to when he said the bracha is “not only for the one being blessed but for the one doing the blessing as well.”
We hope and we pray that our children will combine the best of Ephraim and Menashe. Our kids will be the Meilitz – the Menashe, the interpreter, the business man, the doctor, the lawyer, the teacher or rebbe and follow whatever dream they wish, but be successful and financially secure. But all the while – with Ephraim – with the strong Torah grounding and with the Torah backbone to thrive religiously and sustain our traditions. And of course with Shalom Bayit – peace in our homes because without peace there is no joy. All of this while recognizing the challenges of the secular society and culture they are being raised in.
I give my children these brachot because I am hoping that children will have all of these blessings and it is a beautiful hope and dream that we should all have for all of our children.
The Kotzker Rebbe would often quote the pasuk, kechitzim beyad gibor kein Bnei haneurim and explain that children are like arrows, because the closer and more tightly you pull them to you and hold them close to you, the farther and straighter they will go.
Yesimcha Elokim k’Ephraim uk’Menashe captures the dreams of all Jewish parents.
May Hashem bless us all that our children will live lives of true Shalom Bayit, that our children will remain committed to the tradition of their parents despite their environment and that our children will use that commitment to succeed and prosper in all walks of life.
Rabbi Seth Grauer
Rosh Yeshiva/Head of School
