First, Focus on the Highs
by Rabbi Ephraim Kleinberg
There is a Hasidic adage coined by Rabbi Nahman of Bratzlav in which he said (Likkutei Moharan #282):
Know! You need to judge every person favorably… you need to search and find any little bit of good. By finding in him a little good and judging him favorably you actually bring him over to the side of merit…
Rabbi Nahman’s wisdom rings true in many areas of interpersonal connections, but its import can be particularly impactful in our relationship with our children. Seeking out and then pointing out the good points in our children can help build up their confidence and in turn, encourage them to build upon their successes and accomplishments.
Reporting periods in schools can be among the most stress-inducing and confidence defeating experiences for students of almost any age. Parents play a crucial role in supporting and cheering on their children through the ups and downs of their child’s educational experience; Report card season presents a real challenge and tension in the parent-child relationship.
Tom Rath, author of Strengths Finder 2.0 noted in a study he conducted: “In every culture we have studied, the overwhelming majority of parents (77% in the United States) think that a student’s lowest grades deserve the most time and attention” (p. 7). Rath’s argument is that every human being has strengths, and our focus in life should be on developing and building upon those strengths.
Parents sometimes take for granted the high grades that their children receive, simply glossing over these accomplishments, perhaps offering a passing congratulatory comment, only to then scan the report for the weaker results. This focus on the lows can be a crushing defeat to an already vulnerable child. In many cases, children have already been notified, done their own estimated calculation, and/or have developed enough self-awareness to more-or-less sense where their grades are at in a class. Having a parent first point to the lows on the report card can only further lower the self-confidence and ill-feeling of the child. However, this does not require that parents ignore the low grades.
Parents are certainly entitled to understand the lows of their children’s performance in school, but consider how the conversation unfolds. Are the opening reactions, “Why did you get a 63 in Math?” or “This C- is not your typical result” helpful? What would happen if the conversation started with, “wow, an 83 in Biology! that is an excellent grade. This is an area of success for you this year. Keep up the effort!” This comment may then be followed by looking at the other scores.
Wharton School of Business Professor Adam Grant devoted an entire chapter in his excellent book, Give and Take, to share master teacher C.J. Skender’s recipe for inspiring student success in his accounting class throughout his career. In Grant’s words, “In Skender’s mind, every student who walks into his classroom is a diamond in the rough – able and willing to be mined, cut and polished. He sees potential where others don’t”. Skender was well known for the tactic of including at the top of each assessment he administered to his students a reminder that their efforts in preparing for the assessments are regarded as more important than the score on the assessment.
We owe it to our children who work hard even when they fail to succeed, to focus on their good points, to celebrate their highs, and to build them up whenever we can. Our efforts in these areas as parents will in time strengthen our bonds with our children and ultimately inspire them to build on their strengths and set them on a path of personal accomplishment and growth!
Ephraim Kleinberg is the Director of Educational Technology and Religious Growth at Bnei Akiva Schools