by Rabbi Yair Spitz
Several years ago, a couple contacted me about their son who was becoming disenchanted with Torah U’Mitzvot and was gradually “shedding” observance. They described in detail how they had provided a loving and nurturing atmosphere for their children, how they tried to be good role models of love of Torah and Mitzvot, the excellent Jewish education their children received and the joy of Shabbat and Chagim in their house.
They concluded their overview with a question that resonates with me as strongly now as it did then – “Rabbi, where did we go wrong?”
When trying to give them an answer, I reflected on Sefer Bereshit, in which the Torah discusses the most fundamental relationships of our lives: relationships between spouses, relationships between siblings and relationships between parents and children.
It’s interesting to note that all of the great figures in Sefer Bereshit seem to have had a child who “strayed from their path.” This was true for אדם whose son, קין, committed murder, and to נח, whose son חם committed incest. Similarly, we find that אברהם had ישמעאל and יצחק had עשיו, both of whom led lives of violence and immorality, far from the ideals, faith and morality which were at the center of their parents’ lives and education.
When it comes to sibling rivalry, the Torah is quite explicit with its reasons – jealousy and competitiveness. The same is true for spousal dispute, where the culprit appears to be distrust and deception. When it comes to parents and children, though, we don’t find the Torah giving an explanation as to “what went wrong.”
I shared with the distressed parents this peculiarity and the message I think it carries with it – the Torah doesn’t give a reason for children turning their backs on their parents’ ways because there isn’t always a reason. It is possible to be an אברהם, the greatest Jewish educator of all times, and still have an ישמעאל. Not because אברהם necessarily did something wrong, rather because it wasn’t all up to אברהם!
I felt it was important these parents not beat themselves up over their situation and realize it could have nothing to do with them and how they raised their son.
I do believe, though, that there is another message which may help parents before getting to that point. We can only take our children so far in their relationship with Hashem and Torah (or in life in general for that matter). At some point they have to make their own choices. We can’t choose for them and we can’t force them to choose. We can’t assume that as long as we do all the “right things” (or whatever we imagine those things to be), they will just continue living a life consistent with how we raised them.
Does this mean there is nothing one can do but pray? Not at all. We need to do whatever we think are the “right things” but with the awareness of preparing them for that moment – or many little moments – when they will decide for themselves. They need to be accustomed, especially in their teen years, to making everyday religious (and other significant) choices, not through coercion and deprivation of choice, but rather by allowing them the space and acceptance to make their own choices, including their own mistakes, allowing them to learn and experience the consequences on their own. That, coupled with the positive atmosphere, influences and learning will, with G-d’s help, result in the right choices they will make themselves.
Yair Spitz is Menahel of Yeshivat Or Chaim
