Dear Friends,
Last week, following what was undoubtedly one of the most successful and uplifting Shabbatons I have ever been part of at Or Chaim, the school administrative team decided to cancel yeshiva on Sunday. Our students were exhausted and there were many tests in the week ahead. Therefore we felt it was truly in their best interests to have the Sunday to re-charge their batteries, catch up on their work and get ready for the last few weeks of school before vacation. As is generally the case, I sent home a short email to all parents and students explaining the change in the calendar. I received only one reply, and it took me a few days to truly internalize its significance. A student wrote to me:
Hi Rabbi Grauer,
Thank you so much for the reading day this upcoming Sunday. I needed it a lot, and just wanted to show my gratitude.
Have a good night.
I immediately replied, thanking him for his nice note. I then realized that in my five years at Ulpana and Or Chaim, I cannot ever remember receiving an email like this. The email was simple, containing two short sentences, but within it was a heartfelt and true demonstration of appreciation for something that in all likelihood every other student just took for granted. I certainly was not looking for the thanks, but I cannot help but wonder why it is that our children do not say thank you more often.
Two weeks ago, during the Or Chaim shabbaton, I had prepared a lengthy and in-depth dvar torah and message to share with our boys on Friday night. At the Ulpana shabbaton a week prior, I spoke about the parsha as a reference point regarding the dangers of social media and the need to be careful in the world we live in today. I had a similar theme and message prepared for the boys, but when I stood up and started – I changed my theme and decided to focus solely on hakarat hatov. We were on the heels of American Thanksgiving and I spoke to our boys about the amazing commitment that our faculty had demonstrated by spending two weeks in a row on shabbatonim. I spoke about how hard it is for some to leave their families and stay up so late at night for the goal of your personal development, growth, happiness and success. I spoke about the idealistic and mission-driven lives that our shelichim live, leaving their homes, families and communities to come to Toronto with the goal of inspiring and connecting in meaningful ways to our students. I spoke about the hours upon hours that our faculty and administration invests in our students outside the school day. And most significantly, I spoke about the need to recognize when someone has done something for you and to follow it up with a demonstration of appreciation.
The connection to the weekly parsha was all too perfect because Leah was about to name her son Yehudah as a reflection of her tremendous gratitude that she had for H”KBH giving her a fourth child. What was truly remarkable about the name Leah chose was that a different person never would have even thought about gratitude at all. Chazal say that Leah focused on gratitude because she knew through ruach hakodesh that Yaakov would have twelve boys, and she knew that Yaakov had four wives, so she naturally assumed that each wife was entitled to three boys. All of sudden she has a fourth and her natural reaction was to say “wow, I got more than I deserved.” This is indeed shocking. Most people would have assumed:
“I had a fourth son because Hashem was rewarding me.”
“I am better at having children.”
“I deserve it because Yaakov doesn’t like me as much as Rachel.”
So few would have said – “I have received more than my portion.”
All too often in life, we don’t show appreciation because we assume that whatever is done and whatever happens was supposed to happen. We naturally have high standards and expectations, and while we get upset and frustrated when our expectations are not realized, we rarely show appreciation when things go as planned and actually work well. We often take for granted hard work, careful planning, sustained efforts and simply come to expect those without thinking twice about the need to say thank you even when nothing particularly out of the ordinary or special is done. Perhaps this attitude spills over slightly so that even when someone truly tries to go above and beyond, we fail to even recognize that, let alone show appreciation.
This simple two-sentence email from an Or Chaim student reminded me about the importance of speaking and writing about hakarat hatov because it is a value and midah that is so essential to our happiness and growth.
As we get ready to begin the holiday of Chanukah, let us try and think about all the people in our lives who deserve a “thank you.”
On Chanukah, we focus on the miracles of the oil and the miracles of the military victory to remind us that we need to show appreciation for miracles that Hashem performs that are both natural and supernatural. Our rabbis are teaching us the essential lesson that we need to recognize and show appreciation for goodness that is done to us that is special, extraordinary and unexpected, but also for helpful acts which are normal, expected and predictable.
As we have done in years past, we will once again be sending out a short message each night of Chanukah containing a brief idea, reflection and meaningful message which we hope you will read, think about and discuss during your family candle lighting time. The feedback from years past was incredibly positive and we hope once again that these short thoughts will help enhance your holiday of Chanukah.
This year, the conclusion of Chanukah will mark the beginning of winter break. I am incredibly appreciative for the wonderful few months of school that we have had, and I want to thank our teachers, administrators, staff, students, parents and community members and supporters for such a wonderful semester of Torah learning and exceptional growth.
Chanukah Sameach,
Rabbi Seth Grauer
Rosh Yeshiva/Head of School
